| everywhere |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|12:20 am] |
it fell under underneath a collection of other feelings
forgot what it was all about it left my view
looking everywhere all around listening to every sound
the more you eat the more you want
too much want not enough need
it's not enough all the greed
rest upon scattered minds attracted to pretty signs
in the eyes through the brain explains the functions
many ways to escape but none are options not anymore
clear the thought listen intently hear the hum
buzz buzz of the outside all the fun
don't you feel it flowing through you
against you or neither against or for
multi-dimensional direction omni-pattern
buzz buzz in my head |
|
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| defeated again |
[Jul. 17th, 2009|04:11 am] |
chronic nightmares of reoccurring themes
i'm getting tired of abuse during sleep
it beats me, this psychological stress
childhood visits me once again, i thought i'd escaped
but its haunting me, over and over
maybe my sensitivity is relative
obsessive thoughts in my circular mind
around and around where do i get off?
to escape requires concentration
directed thinking to force the chemical imbalance
but what does that mean anyways?
suggests there is some proper makeup
if my misery is relative i must feel i deserve better
but what am i comparing it to?
there must be some glorified state i crave
should i accept its impossibility or dream away?
it's apparent though that they are not dreams
reality is a nightmare.
wishing for heaven is hell
the devil tricks me into psychosis
delusions of grandeur and my brain
it tells me to seek this and search that
drop the current life and make a new one
i don't know what to do anymore
everything seems wrong. |
|
|
| the rain |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|07:02 am] |
cactus body
lives in the desert
sweltering and consistent burning
i've developed a thick hide
it protects from my natural environment
though, heat is relative and the extremity felt
is only a statement about the difference of two systems
you are my rain storm
not only cooling and quenching
but changing my opinion on the severity of living
for you replace the natural pain with an overabundance
of living freshness that makes me forget previous burn
not allowance or un-wanted force,
just an insistent hum of soothing condensation
it's such a lovely-sweet sensation
sometimes the next change in weather seems too far away
too far in between from when i felt it last
it can be so unpredictable,
no fancy gadget calculates likeliness 100%
though, we can choose climates with probability
maybe i should just move to the amazon
where rain happens everyday
and nothing can get in the way |
|
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| re-programmer |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|08:21 am] |
though you reside deep in my unconscious
the emotions surge through and drive such fury
why do i have such anger and resentment?
all i want to do is love.
how do i detach your influence
your control i can't stop, i can't escape
soon though, i'll have rewired and it won't even matter
well, as soon as i figure out how
it's the guilt, the conditioning that brings me back
that fucking downward spiral
defeating you makes me feel guilty for defeating you
but i have to beat it because i feel guilty
a recursive mind fuck.
can't you see?
it's so obvious to notice the patterns but
it's so tricky to cut the wires to instinctive reaction
a self-destructive reflex makes it hard to survive.
day by day, hour by hour, emotional blackmail dissected
one by one, death by death, i wish i didn't have to do this
but, some things, well
it's not so black and white.
you made me and you created this
but it's the guilt again
i have to do this alone
i'm sorry but, i've no choice
you're killing me. |
|
|
| sum calculation |
[Jun. 15th, 2009|05:11 pm] |
the water is rising.3456543654367534
9498272718575483848932894389248932
you can swim 6542469326512759269
but you will drown. 8673212934212443181
cutting might not make sense to you. 9494285478399891234
5775843982599423244356376547645
normal person,51132925686627321125433
2134982353454645354345653435
but when you want to escape,36452343126542
it is another world.253465454235
26+3454563252542345435346457563654
when you realize that you want to escape,234543256443265
you've been living in the wrong world.23454565432
reality isn't so strict,2344563255
you can create a fair amount of it.2356454236542
things don't have to matter.235645432552
2436554325643525235465465465463
949949412121523514234895432991541
go to the realm that makes sense243556443254325
communication in various forms234655432532
i want you to know how i feel245365435256325
4342554352654325454432564325543256552463654546
23432432cutting walls yellow brains
5656757567minor thoughts major number
787877979789quick integers effortless eclipse
111134444322454542718296549scissor-armed-button
hurts to press.
=
0 |
|
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| it's a problem |
[May. 12th, 2009|01:20 pm] |
it's not like i understand
blank irritated stares
silently judging and waiting for me to prove
but it's not like i know the method for retaining composure
every detail a factor to consider
nervousness a sponge
soaking up concerns
tumescent and heavy
i'm far too indecisive to squash it empty
though, it's not like i don't act freely.
free actions are indiscretions
the guilt built out of sin
it's odd thinking you'll end up
somewhere you don't even believe in
white is black and they're both the same
hearts lie, brains deceive
it's not like i can tell the difference. |
|
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| anxiety |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|02:43 am] |
when nothing is perfect enough
the treatment covers the dark ones
but hides bits of the soul
the state of mind makes you worry
uneasy for hours
like my brain is a ship in a stormy sea
erratically, purposely out of sync with the set course
i just want to feel comfortable, calm the sea or come to land
really though, you're an island
out in the middle of the sea
a book says no man is an island
maybe it's true
but i'm floating somewhere
bloated from absorbing water
oblivious really, if you think about it |
|
|
| praying mantis |
[Apr. 13th, 2009|04:31 am] |
it's crawling through the folds of my brain
smoke over water
insulate and isolate
protect inner workings
blue spinning mist
thought digestion
mood made
confusing vibes
like sleeping in space
i don't understand the undiscovered
sub processes are intricately confusing
hard to define
just patterns of self-destruction
sexuality is a glass of water
when parched i take a drink
it's never full and i'm always thirsty
when it's half full
i don't obsess about the empty half
it's enough to be content.
though, i'd like a jug please.
overflow my cup and i'll still need quenching
telling lies to myself because i'm afraid
there's something fulfilling about killing your body
not seeking pain, but enjoying when it arrives. |
|
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| social experiment |
[Mar. 24th, 2009|02:15 pm] |
sometimes things affect you more than you'd like
random surges of irritation that you can't explain
floating their way to the top of our piles of feelings
there are little events that trigger reactions
just scattered points here and there
when there are not many entries, each one seems to count heavily
i share what i have been given as much as i can
not enough but it helps me appreciate what i've got
my purpose for giving is not to receive
but when the scales are tipped and i've got the weight
my observation, my collection of a piece of data
makes its way like ice in water
it's all the same substance but somehow different
the cold is tension and disappointment
but the density is how it affects me, how it conquers me
it leaves the surroundings colder, even when it melts
stealing energy from the warm body it lives with
until it's all indistinguishable
all the pieces of the same
at a lower level yet in equilibrium
if energy is not created or destroyed
within the system we cannot lose the effects
so does each experiment bring me down?
every time the ice forms and forever a part of the water
no. while energy is indestructible, it can be manipulated.
pulled from my pool and out into space.
this method is the experiment. i can freeze pieces and extract them.
this writing is the manipulation of the outside forces. i have energy. |
|
|
| captain's log 09022009 |
[Feb. 10th, 2009|04:37 am] |
wait until midnight, they won't hear you leave
we have to wait to escape, but we have something
it used to be for secret meetings and lovers' trysts
turned to cathartic actions of minor addiction
pfft, smoking completed the stary midnight walks
but it was and just is a filler
she always thought,
if i don't get out i'll be stuck in this head forever
so she found releases in various forms
wait until later, just, wait
she kept walking and found the line.
the reason why she was here.
that was all she knew really.
2am, drunk and high this is what she wanted.
but her sober self would have rationalized and convinced her
given her a different mission.
fear she scoffed. thinking breeds paranoia.
in this state i am free of thought and open to my emotion
who i am, my feelings - my compass
where it guides me now
i am free
no more ties
i am afraid of being alone when i cut ties
but now, cut from all, i am not alone
i am nothing!
she screamed all this over a cliff.
seconds later a man pulled her off the cliff and walked with her
she walked with him, unable to command her body to do otherwise
into the trees, oh god, she thought, some hippie sasquatch
turned out he was just tired of living in society and went to eat berries in the woods.
odd.
his camp was filled with instruments, each neatly propped up against rocks
his first words:
these people will understand.
she didn't understand.
one of the instruments spoke, or, rather instrumented a sentence
almost robotic yet worn down to feel natural
of course, she didn't notice the strange man waltz over to the instrument
and play it sweetly.
i'm tripping, she thought.
not yet - eat some of this.
the next four hours passed in a dimension so different to ours, but she learned that she had to stop trying to seek an ultimate meaning in life. for some reason, she took to thinking that there was no point to life, but there was no point in the point that there was no point to life. she didn't understand either. but what she took away, made her life much better. don't seek an ultimate meaning. that itch on your back? don't scratch it and it'll go away. or just scratch it - it'll go away. you just need to undo childhood built-in facts. someone was giving you poor information when you were growing up. if you can undo that, you'll see. no ultimate meaning. and so life is good :)
but it is possible to have meaning - in her own life there were things she believed in. and to her, that made it real. not that things don't exist if you don't believe in them, but that her belief made something really have meaning.
now, i realize past errors in thought. a lot of my past thoughts pessimistic and unwieldy. but they are neither here nor there, they are the past. i made progress slowly but have still made it.
she lived happily ever after. |
|
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| phased |
[Feb. 7th, 2009|06:20 am] |
it's the chemical connection
the voice inside my head
i want to fuck it up
distort it somehow
put it through filters
the song, playing the song
the song all songs are playing
resonating the harmonies of the frequencies
but i think of you
i give that information up
that line there, these lines
just to tell you.
it's not right but it's so obvious the reason
chemical reaction.
you're telling the truth
but you're lying through your teeth
it's not empirical fact
just a feeling i get
i can feel it, amplifying
the evidence growing stronger and stronger
everything comes into focus, the waves into phase
you think that you are who you think you are
but i know that you are not
... . . . . . . . paranoia. when you
let yourself believe
that you know it will work.
you know i won't desist
it'll break down and then we'll
see what is left when the once whole solid
is now pieces of whatever you call things incomplete
|
|
|
| a continous draft |
[Jan. 22nd, 2009|06:40 pm] |
if learning to love is, acceptance, isn't easily learned
maybe there is, a place, where i control what everything is
different dimensions and interactions, connections
a strange existence but a welcome dream |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|01:26 am] |
cutting off the nose to spite the face
attention disorder
dramatic overdose
exaggerate everything
ideals that have no root
based on whatever conflicts
consistently bored otherwise
forget beliefs because they're random
cutting off the nose to spite the face
you pick pick pick
mouth writes checks your ass can't cash
burnout
it's a sequence of firing these and this triggers that
carving the pathways of repetition
unnoticed-habit-forming
tendencies can't explain why i want what i want
and need evolves when the want is consistently satisfied
in the convenient comfortable patterns of abuse
desire becomes desperation before the side-effects affect
fill me up, put it in, pump it through
unlike touching the fire it only brings warmth
there is no instinct to turn away
because relying on them will draw you in
eventually, it's going to burn me out |
|
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| ignoredance |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|06:07 pm] |
so you're waiting for this
but it's not really here.
unfortunately only what seems real
drives away from boredom, motivation
but i'm bored now, that's a useful sign
it's more than these lame words
can't really expect them to paint an accurate picture
and because i can't express in your language,
you need to find another way to connect.
anonymous writing doesn't really mean much
but it still strikes something inside you
do you miss what you don't have
or, its just desperation?
but you ms blue have a clue
giving through to you
the dew doesn't decide
do deaf ears deceive?
...difficult to see our own ignorance. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2008|02:28 am] |
we're too paranoid to talk anymore
afraid our words will be unattached from their initial meanings
i don't know what to say, what is it to understand?
i knew a man who shared his suffering
but not in words but how he made others feel
to make them feel the pain he always feels
makes sense if true understanding enables forgiveness
but they resented the pain and did not understand
confusion produces no compassion and so the feeling faded away.
we try many ways to express and hide our meaning
we tie what we mean so close to who we are
judgment passes over what we do
as if it should necessarily say who we are
but what other connection to reality do we have?
what other connections can we have with each other?
insane worries breed frustration
but appreciate what you have!
think about others as if you were them
try to understand
we're all confused really
some have made up their closed minds
others dance loosely in the clouds
somewhere in between i'm waiting really
when it happens i disappear. go somewhere else.
try to understand.
remember that our beliefs, morals and impulse
are molded each day of our lives, so many factors
too many different ones for stubborn ignorance.
try to understand.
if you want to know you have to let go of what you wish reality was like
let your mind see how things really are without the blinds
you shouldn't only believe things that coincide with what you want to believe
the evidence changes entirely and its like reality shifts
try to understand that things can be different than they seem. |
|
|
| listening |
[Oct. 17th, 2008|02:37 am] |
there are times when we stop to think to take a step back
but sometimes there are steps we can not think to take
we are used to thinking in the ways we do
what is right and wrong is defined by our head
and its interpretation of the world
piece together the elements that make your thought
like a puzzle but working the other way around
taking apart the parts and examining
is tedious and not always fruitful
but when we strike gold
we unlock our understanding of our minds
but how can i consider your mind?
i cannot enter and break things down
but take the way you give your ideas and emotions
put them in the equation and let them simmer
add some thoughts of my own
wait to see what happens
see what becomes |
|
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| deuosgo |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|01:55 pm] |
the extreme side of apathy is non-living
with no care there is no controlling factor
no one can hold you to anything
guilt won't play a role anymore
but it's the same with any animal
emotions and feelings add a dimension to our living
but we must control them with rational thought
weave them into our lives instead of letting them take over
anger, love, jealousy, fear and all their family
can possess us to a level of insanity.
some call that interesting but the destruction they cause
leads me to think that there are other ways to resist fading away.
many people call it different things,
one has called it a black spot that they cannot remove
a scab that won't come off and won't heal.
i see it more of a void within oneself
the more we try to fill it, the further it grows
the further we try to annihilate it just swells back to size.
how are we to deal with it? will it not drive us mad with fear?
inside us, this ball, but i think we must contain it.
build protective walls, safeguards and constructive thoughts
hold it in, accept it and live life with it.
i won't succumb to the non-living, fading away that seems so easy.
not death, just living the comfortable, unchallenging, effortless and painless life.
i don't need it...
yet. |
|
|
| begging for help is laziness |
[Oct. 9th, 2008|01:20 pm] |
i don't miss you
and you don't mean those words
you seem to miss the fact that you
don't really know what they mean
only a discrepancy in your everyday routine
one that will be rerouted and my presence repaved
insignificant really.
sentiment is my only tie to the past
it's a string connected to my nerves
i'm tired of being pulled and
cutting it proves apathy
but i'm thinking it doesn't matter anymore
will the lack of emotive impetus separate me from the world?
the world of wires and systems that we don't understand
everyone thinks that they're significant and that things matter
but what they fail to see is that we're only animals and the spirituality you invent
is merely a coping mechanism to survive the reality of life.
it's not real. in death we no longer exist. heaven and hell, constructions of humanity
fear to drive the masses - but it is beneficial if we are all sheep, so we are anyways.
the further we push away, the uniqueness we seek, makes us all the same
back to these words built out of frustration
i don't know any other way to bleed the pressure |
|
|
| h_rd core |
[Aug. 12th, 2008|08:26 pm] |
it flows in the air
and seeps through your blood
controls your actions and steals your thoughts
it's always getting me
sex the biological necessity
versions of perversions we invent
our imagination runs free with the chemicals
it paints the inside of our minds
it spreads and it's chronic
and yet we call this sick, animalistic tendency, love
of all things, we choose the instinctive self-perpetuating
dirty and hot stuff, to show connection
it proves our love to another supposedly
some skip the meaning and get the shallow version
not that it matters really - i think both are shallow.
strength is controlling the feelings with the thought
but where is the fun in that, when we can run wild
free from the belief that any feelings can be wrong
why do my feelings crash into each other
some are free and some are not
inside my head i'm in a state of
superposition of free and bound.
there are two ropes.
and i don't know which to cut.
if i don't know if i feel wrong, how can i feel anything but confused? |
|
|
| common senses |
[Jul. 26th, 2008|10:01 pm] |
if its in the music then its in these people
it's not a pattern it's a problem
we don't know the ingredient we can't explain the taste
what changes it's not the music
change the world change yourself
simple the other impossible
mold yourself to fit
i can't explain the taste
it makes me want to
try to find a reason
for anything for everything
it doesn't matter
a combination isn't always equal to the sum of its parts
if we can't break things down how can we understand
the complexities how do we find out what it is?
we can't explain it with our mouths or describe it with our bodies
it makes us all feel so differently
we can't contemplate only idle
wait during the noise, sound collected invokes something
i can't explain with the words.
the sounds the words the sights the touch the taste
how do you explain? |
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